55 Funny Golf Quotes For A Round Full Of Laughter
Golf has its share of frustrations and challenges, but one of its many benefits is that it offers countless opportunities for laughter and joy. Whether it’s a humorous mishap on the course during a serious round or you’re playing golf drinking games with a group of friends, the world of golf is full of fun.
In this post, we’ve compiled a list of funny golf quotes that are sure to bring a smile to your face. Everyone from Hall-Of-Fame golfers to actors and comedians can find humor in the game and help capture the lighter side of the sport.
So grab your golf clubs and get ready to tee off with a smile! Here are over 50 funny quotes about golf that will drive some laughter into your round.
Funny Golf Quotes
“If you drink, don’t drive. Don’t even putt.” - This would be a great golf slogan!
― Dean Martin (Singer & Actor)
“If you get caught on the course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, then hold up your one-iron; even god cannot hit a one-iron.”
― Lee Trevino (Professional Golfer)
“It took me 17 years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. It took one afternoon on the golf course.”
― Hank Aaron (Professional Baseball Player)
“Golf tips are like aspirin. One may do you good, but if you swallow the whole bottle you will be lucky to survive.”
― Harvey Penick (Professional Golfer)
“Show me a man who is a good loser and I’ll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss.”
― James Murray (Actor)
“You know what the game of golf is, don’t you? It’s basketball for people who can’t jump and chess for people who can’t think.”
― Tom Robbins (Author)
“I tried real hard to play golf, and I was so bad at it they would have to check me for ticks at the end of the round because I’d spent about half the day in the woods.”
― Jeff Foxworthy (Comedian)
“After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the PGA Tour. Like the last time I asked my caddy for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye.”
― Chi Chi Rodriquez (Professional Golfer)
“If profanity influenced the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is.”
― Horace G. Hutchinson (Amateur Golfer)
“Give me golf clubs, fresh air, and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.”
― Jack Benny (Entertainer & Comedian)
“Why am I using a new putter? Because the old one didn’t float too well.”
― Craig Stadler (Professional Golfer)
“We learn so many things from golf—how to suffer, for instance.”
― Bruce Lansky (Writer)
“I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.”
― Gerald R. Ford (U.S. President)
“There are many things you can successfully fake in business…but a good golf swing isn’t one of them.”
― Bobby Darnell (Business Professional)
“Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.”
― John Updike (Author)
“I don’t play golf to feel bad, I play bad golf, but I feel good.”
― Henry Beard (Author & Humorist)
“There’s a reason why golfers walk forward to their next shot. It’s to move on.”
― J.R. Rim (Author)
“If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.”
― Jack Lemmon (Actor)
“The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.”
― Billy Graham (Evangelist)
“A recent survey said that a caddy lives the longest of all jobs. They get plenty of fresh air and exercise, and if there ever is a medical emergency, there is always a doctor nearby.”
― Unknown
“Golf combines two favorite American pastimes: taking long walks and hitting things with a stick.”
― P.J. O’Rourke (Journalist)
“You build a golf game like you build a wall, one brick at a time.”
― Tony Lema (Professional Golfer)
RELATED: Quotes From Famous Golfers
Funny Quotes About Golf
“They call it golf because all the other four letter words were taken.”
― Raymond Floyd (Professional Golfer)
“The only sure rule in golf is he who has the fastest golf cart never has to play the bad lie.”
― Mickey Mantle (Professional Baseball Player)
“Golf is a game in which you yell fore, shoot six, and write down five.”
― Paul Harvey (Radio Broadcaster)
“Golf is a puzzle without an answer. I’ve played the game for 40 years and I still haven’t the slightest idea how to play.”
― Gary Player (Professional Golfer)
“If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they’d starve to death.”
― Sam Snead (Professional Golfer)
“I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.”
― Lee Trevino (Professional Golfer)
“The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody put a flagstick on top.”
― Pete Dye (Golf Course Designer)
“Selecting a stroke is like selecting a wife. To each his own.”
― Ben Hogan (Professional Golfer)
“The uglier a man’s legs are, the better he plays golf – it’s almost a law.”
― H.G. Wells (Writer)
“There is no such thing as natural touch. Touch is something you create by hitting millions of golf balls.”
― Lee Trevino (Professional Golfer)
“A great deal of unnecessarily bad golf is played in this world.”
― Harry Vardon (Professional Golfer)
"The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so that you can't see him laughing."
― Phyllis Diller (Comedian)
“The most important shot in golf is the next one.”
― Ben Hogan (Professional Golfer)
“I don’t like to watch golf on television because I can’t stand people who whisper.”
― David Brenner (Actor & Writer)
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“Nothing dissects a man in public quite like golf.”
― Brent Musburger (Sports Commentator)
“I never kick my ball in the rough or improve my lie in a bunker. For that, I have a caddy.”
― Bob Hope (Comedian & Actor)
“I know you can be fined for throwing a club, but I want to know if you can get fined for throwing a caddy.”
― Tommy Bolt (Professional Golfer)
“You don’t know what pressure is until you play for five bucks with only two bucks in your pocket.”
― Lee Trevino (Professional Golfer)
RELATED: Skins Golf Format
“I’d play every day if I could. It’s cheaper than a shrink and there are no telephones on my golf cart.”
― Brent Musburger (Sports Commentator)
“I am past writing angst songs for kids. My angst is when I can’t get my Porsche roof up and when I can’t get my golf handicap down.”
― Alice Cooper (Singer)
“While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.”
― Henny Youngman (Comedian & Musician)
“A major golf tournament is 40,000 sadists watching 144 masochists.”
― Thomas Boswell (Sports Columnist)
“The more I practice the luckier I get.”
― Gary Player (Professional Golfer)
“If there is any larceny in a man, golf will bring it out.”
― Paul Gallico (Novelist & Sports Writer)
“Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it’s open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.”
― Dave Berry (Singer)
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“The difference between a good golf shot and a bad one is the same as the difference between a beautiful and a plain woman – a matter of millimeters.”
― Ian Fleming (Writer)
“Like one’s own children, golf has an uncanny way of endearing itself to us while at the same time evoking every weakness of mind and character, no matter how well hidden.”
― Timothy Gallwey (Writer)
"I have a tip that can take five strokes off anyone's golf game: it's called an eraser."
― Arnold Palmer (Professional Golfer)
RELATED: Stroke Play Explained
“I never rooted against an opponent, but I never rooted for him either.”
― Arnold Palmer (Professional Golfer)
“It’s good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.”
― Mark Twain (Author)
“I went to play golf to try and shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead.”
― Bob Hope (Comedian & Actor)
"Too much ambition is a bad thing to have in a bunker."
― Bobby Jones (Amateur Golfer)
“The only time I talk on the golf course is to my caddy. And then only to complain when he has given me the wrong club.”
― Seve Ballesteros (Professional Golfer)
Want more laughs? Check out our funny golf team names and golf puns!
